I don’t want to say that this is a love story but…

Sketches

She met him at a time of stillness. She was not looking for love nor daydreaming because she was content at the calmness life is giving her. He met her at a time of his almost enlightenment. He, too, was satisfied by the tranquility that surrounds his existence.

In a time of sereneness, they met.

Her unperturbed living met a storm masqueraded as his being. His enlightenment met a darkness masked as her existence. No one had a clue they were each others’ abyss ready to swallow each other whole.

She was caught in his snare and melted little by little until she became one with his heart. And when he thought his enlightenment was complete, she made him see that she is her inner peace. He got drowned in her ocean and experienced renaissance by her. And when she thought no storm can rage her, he whirled his way like a hurricane and made her experience a high she had never tasted. They both got eaten by each other’s angels and demons and they did not escape. They did not escape. For she was his darkness and he was his storm.

Be

Nobody said you were their sun

Nor their sea

Nor their anything

But you still willingly

be their sun

and their sea

and their everything.

I’m about to turn the next chapter

Finally, this chapter in my life is coming to a close. This should have ended some time ago but certain moments spiced up the situation and elongated this somewhat unbearable season. Good thing is that everything is temporary. For years, I always question why I’ve been stuck because that is not in my character to be stagnant. But, through times like these that I learned how to fight. Yes, I have some regrets, but that won’t change things of the past, therefore, the only thing to do is to move forward.(I hate that it’s so cliche)

Nothing was easy. If everything I’ve experienced was easy, then, I have not lived a good life. Good does not mean that there are no hardships. Good means that through those hardships, I conquered it and gave me happiness and a good life.

30th day of April, I’m marching on to the end of being a student but will continue to walk on as a student of life. I have so many things to discover and so many stories to tell. See you soon as the next chapter unfolds.

Something Beautiful for the Night

Well, the night breeze is cold and it makes the gold curtains sway while passing through the little holes of the screen window. I’m lying on my stomach, typing, thinking critically whether to write or not because I might end up writing about someone.. again.

I want to write something else because I think that it would make me look or sound more mature. Why? Maybe I want to be seen as a deep intellectual. Or maybe I just want my writing to feel cool. What the hell.

As much as I don’t really want to be on the spotlight, I also don’t want to be totally ignored. I mean, I still want the right kind of attention (and not too much). Why do we have to feel that we should belong? How do we even measure maturity? This might not make sense anymore. So what?

I just really wanted to write something. Some cool stuff. Some deep thoughts. Or some feelings about someone that is currently ignoring me and I want to be poetic about it. But I ended up writing somethinf random which is okay.

It’s 8:59pm. It’s still early but I want to sleep.

Beautiful Cliche

“Everything happens for a reason.” It’s a cliche and it makes me cringe but I’m not gonna be a hypocrite because I am also guilty of using this line. I understand the idea that if it happened, then there must be a reason behind it. What I don’t get is that why does it have to happen for that reason?

There are things that still boggle my head and I try to answer them. Everything has an answer, right? Or that’s why the term ‘open-ended’ is created because there are really instances when a question must remain a question.

It’s funny how life makes us go insane or deep or nonchalant. Life is pretty interesting that even though not all parts of it are magnificently beautiful, life, as a whole has still its own beauty that one cannot really define but just experience.

Life maybe a cliche but it is crafted for each individual to be his and her own beautiful cliche.

A Year About Moving On

2014 has been a tough year for me and my mother. But if there’s one thing that it taught me, it’s about moving on.

Well, not all moving on’s are about romantic relationships. You can move on from your past self to a better version of you. You can move on from an old house to a new one. You can move on from an old chapter in your life to a new beginning that’s yet to be told. Moving on cannot be limited to just overcoming problems. Maybe you had a successful event and you’re moving on to take greater risks and explore bigger worlds. Moving on is being able to take a step to a new side of the grass and looking back acknowledging that it has been a tough ride but you finished it and now onto your next ride.

At the start of the year, I was really happy because I’ve spent it with my parents -it’s a rare happening because papa’s always out of the country- we have plans about what we’re gonna do when I finally graduate. I didn’t know there was a big surprise until the night of April, when papa died. I never imagined how it would be like with that setting. It crushed me more than how a breakup crushes one’s heart. It’s like what you see in television soaps only there are no scripts and no cameras. I also have decided that I would not cry because I don’t want others to pity me when all I really wanted to feel are comforting hugs. I din’t cry and I thought that I was strong and that it would be easier to move on.

I was wrong.

I bottled up all emotions and I just wanted to burst because I was angry. Angry for keeping it all inside like a secret that needs to be forgotten. But with the help of Love himself, the Lord, I realized it was okay to cry for a lost loved one. And it’s normal to lose someone you loved dearly. This is how life works, people come and go. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. And at all times, blessed be the name of the Lord.

Slowly, I start to move on. I start to really let go. I still don’t understand why my father died so sudden. The regrets piled up on me but the people around me helped me move on. I don’t think that “I’ve finally moved on” is not the right term. I am always moving on, it’s just that sometimes it’s on a slower pace and other times, faster. I am moving on. I will not stop moving forward. It’s actually okay to look back and remember the things of the past but as you look back, smile, knowing that it’s all in the past and there’s a greater path ahead as long as you keep moving on and follow God’s path.

The Day Where the Breeze Embraced Me

Maybe something special happened on that day of many firsts. Though it’s not the first time we’ve celebrated Christmas without you, it’s the first time we spent that day with you not coming back anymore. It’s much more than a roller-coaster of emotions. If it needs to be put in words, I’d describe it as a gentle breeze passing through and playing with my hair. It does not strike like a thunder easily seen but its subtlety embraces you gradually until I realize that I am somehow sad. There will be no longer moments with you. No new memories will be created. It’s haunting because it’s much more than a nightmare. It’s reality.

I don’t try to forget you. I just try to move on. Create new memories not because I want to bury the sad but to realize how life is still beautiful. Even when all that surrounds me are all fleeting, they are still worth living for. Maybe there’s something special that happened on that Christmas day. It’s the day where the breeze embraced me and reminded me of you. It hurts a little but it made me see that there’s something wonderful in the midst of all the chaos life throws.

I saw you again for the first time

It’s the first time that I saw you after a long time. You did something magical again. It’s like my bored spirit was kissed by the fountain of your being. Showering sparks that birthed beats to this stagnant heart. It’s like one of those movie scenes where the world suddenly transitioned from fast to slow mo. Fireflies started lighting and felt like a proposal was ongoing. It’s like fireworks painted the sky at the right timing or a shooting star started falling like how my insides started crumbling when the butterflies in my stomach drilled its way out to enjoy the moment of seeing you again for the first time. I felt like a teenager all over again. Waiting for the chance to have a dance with you at the prom or my 18th birthday. Daydreaming. I was daydreaming of everything that felt good. I hope that I had the guts to talk to you.. again.

 

………………….

I know this is a maarte post. So maarte you can’t even.