Missed

I was hoping to see the double eleven on my screen but saw an 11:12 instead.

Maybe it’s a power trip from the forces reminding me of missed wishes I cannot have.

But I’ll try to fight the forces.

A series of un/fortunate events

Most of the time, I’m staring at the wall. Sometimes thinking, sometimes not but still staring and zoning out. It gives a calming effect and a peace of mind somehow because the wall’s blankness. I hope life’s problems can be solved by just staring at a blank wall.

I don’t like being compared to anyone else. It’s not healthy for me because even when the intentions are good, I can’t help but see all sides – the good and the bad – and it somehow triggers a self-pity phase and activates my overthinking brain.

I stopped freelancing a few months ago so I have a lot of times to stare at walls. I just want to be my own boss so I did not get a day job at a production house. I’m thinking of starting a business of my own. I don’t know how to do it but I am sure I will do it. I need to do it. I must do it. I can do it.

Being an introvert has its strengths and weaknesses and I am still discovering new things that will help me survive this extrovert-driven world. I am also rediscovering traits that was buried in my subconsciousness.

2015 is ending. I am hoping for a good year to come.

Veneration of the Dead (Is really, really important in Eastern Cultures)

I didn’t visit any cemetery until 2014, the year papa died. So I am not well aware of what to do when visiting a grave. But for the few times we visited papa’s, we didn’t even pay proper respect. No flowers, candles, and food were offered. We just stood there silently and looked at the name etched on the marble lapida along with the wrong birthdate of papa.. And then, we stopped by a restaurant to eat before going home.

I want to justify myself and my mom that it’s okay to not give proper respect:

-He’s dead, so he won’t even know it.

-Our presence is enough to show that we respect him.

Living in a country that is religiously following these customs, we might get a few eyes looking at us, may be mocking us in their minds because of not giving respect to the deceased. But, whatever, I still love papa and I might or might still not bring flowers, candles, and food the next time I visit him.