Well, the night breeze is cold and it makes the gold curtains sway while passing through the little holes of the screen window. I’m lying on my stomach, typing, thinking critically whether to write or not because I might end up writing about someone.. again.
I want to write something else because I think that it would make me
look or sound more mature. Why? Maybe I want to be seen as a deep intellectual. Or maybe I just want my writing to feel cool. What the hell.
As much as I don’t really want to be on the spotlight, I also don’t want to be totally ignored. I mean, I still want the right kind of attention (and not too much). Why do we have to feel that we should belong? How do we even measure maturity? This might not make sense anymore. So what?
I just really wanted to write something. Some cool stuff. Some deep thoughts. Or some feelings about someone that is currently ignoring me and I want to be poetic about it. But I ended up writing somethinf random which is okay.
It’s 8:59pm. It’s still early but I want to sleep.
“Everything happens for a reason.” It’s a cliche and it makes me cringe but I’m not gonna be a hypocrite because I am also guilty of using this line. I understand the idea that if it happened, then there must be a reason behind it. What I don’t get is that why does it have to happen for that reason?
There are things that still boggle my head and I try to answer them. Everything has an answer, right? Or that’s why the term ‘open-ended’ is created because there are really instances when a question must remain a question.
It’s funny how life makes us go insane or deep or nonchalant. Life is pretty interesting that even though not all parts of it are magnificently beautiful, life, as a whole has still its own beauty that one cannot really define but just experience.
Life maybe a cliche but it is crafted for each individual to be his and her own beautiful cliche.
2014 has been a tough year for me and my mother. But if there’s one thing that it taught me, it’s about moving on.
Well, not all moving on’s are about romantic relationships. You can move on from your past self to a better version of you. You can move on from an old house to a new one. You can move on from an old chapter in your life to a new beginning that’s yet to be told. Moving on cannot be limited to just overcoming problems. Maybe you had a successful event and you’re moving on to take greater risks and explore bigger worlds. Moving on is being able to take a step to a new side of the grass and looking back acknowledging that it has been a tough ride but you finished it and now onto your next ride.
At the start of the year, I was really happy because I’ve spent it with my parents -it’s a rare happening because papa’s always out of the country- we have plans about what we’re gonna do when I finally graduate. I didn’t know there was a big surprise until the night of April, when papa died. I never imagined how it would be like with that setting. It crushed me more than how a breakup crushes one’s heart. It’s like what you see in television soaps only there are no scripts and no cameras. I also have decided that I would not cry because I don’t want others to pity me when all I really wanted to feel are comforting hugs. I din’t cry and I thought that I was strong and that it would be easier to move on.
I was wrong.
I bottled up all emotions and I just wanted to burst because I was angry. Angry for keeping it all inside like a secret that needs to be forgotten. But with the help of Love himself, the Lord, I realized it was okay to cry for a lost loved one. And it’s normal to lose someone you loved dearly. This is how life works, people come and go. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. And at all times, blessed be the name of the Lord.
Slowly, I start to move on. I start to really let go. I still don’t understand why my father died so sudden. The regrets piled up on me but the people around me helped me move on. I don’t think that “I’ve finally moved on” is not the right term. I am always moving on, it’s just that sometimes it’s on a slower pace and other times, faster. I am moving on. I will not stop moving forward. It’s actually okay to look back and remember the things of the past but as you look back, smile, knowing that it’s all in the past and there’s a greater path ahead as long as you keep moving on and follow God’s path.
Maybe something special happened on that day of many firsts. Though it’s not the first time we’ve celebrated Christmas without you, it’s the first time we spent that day with you not coming back anymore. It’s much more than a roller-coaster of emotions. If it needs to be put in words, I’d describe it as a gentle breeze passing through and playing with my hair. It does not strike like a thunder easily seen but its subtlety embraces you gradually until I realize that I am somehow sad. There will be no longer moments with you. No new memories will be created. It’s haunting because it’s much more than a nightmare. It’s reality.
I don’t try to forget you. I just try to move on. Create new memories not because I want to bury the sad but to realize how life is still beautiful. Even when all that surrounds me are all fleeting, they are still worth living for. Maybe there’s something special that happened on that Christmas day. It’s the day where the breeze embraced me and reminded me of you. It hurts a little but it made me see that there’s something wonderful in the midst of all the chaos life throws.
It’s the first time that I saw you after a long time. You did something magical again. It’s like my bored spirit was kissed by the fountain of your being. Showering sparks that birthed beats to this stagnant heart. It’s like one of those movie scenes where the world suddenly transitioned from fast to slow mo. Fireflies started lighting and felt like a proposal was ongoing. It’s like fireworks painted the sky at the right timing or a shooting star started falling like how my insides started crumbling when the butterflies in my stomach drilled its way out to enjoy the moment of seeing you again for the first time. I felt like a teenager all over again. Waiting for the chance to have a dance with you at the prom or my 18th birthday. Daydreaming. I was daydreaming of everything that felt good. I hope that I had the guts to talk to you.. again.
I know this is a maarte post. So maarte you can’t even.
What is this thing differentiating a girl and a woman? Well, this has something to do with maturity. Others (the internet, friends, other human beings, etc.) say that a “girl” is not mature enough because of her actions, but once she grows, she matures into a “woman”. I really don’t see the need to put it in class because I believe that maturity is not a thing to be really measured. Sure, you can say that when a “girl” does not whine anymore or not be annoying anymore, she is starting to become a “woman”. But can a “woman” not whine or be annoying or immature? I think that even though a “woman” is sophisticated and classy enough, she can still be as annoying and immature. And then what? When she becomes overreacting, the world has the right to take away the title of being a “woman”?
One time, I was referred as a “woman” in one of my class discussion. I wouldn’t be bothered if this guy referred to me as a lady or as a girl, but then I heard a side comment that I am not yet a “woman” and that I am still a “girl”. After class, I thought about it. Why am I not passable as a “woman”? Why did someone believe that I am still a “girl”? I know for a fact that I appear younger than my real age and basing from the way I dress, I don’t dress corporate. So because of those physical reasons (which I really think the reason that person commented because we’re not close), somebody concluded, somebody decided that I am not a “woman”. I’ve had my moments of maturity and immaturity, but that does not really define me. Though maybe the world thinks differently.
What should a “woman” be? Should she be always walking in high heels and dressed maturely (I don’t even know how one maturely dresses). Should a “woman” always be found in restaurants drinking wine? Or should a “woman” be a founder of some advocacy? What? Should a “woman” always talk of sophisticated things or intellectual things or be on a spree of being a hero to the world? Somebody tell me please.
I don’t like that people associate the word ‘mature’ to the word ‘woman’. I think that being mature is not based on the way you dress though it can be a factor. Maturity is really not something to be measured because one may find one thing mature, but other may find it immature. Mature, immature, people do not need to be classified as either. People need to be respected. Being mature cannot really be defined. You just understand when you see one.
Nothing in this world is ever easy. Even the mundane things have their own level of difficulty. But these hardships or mini tests are added to our lives to spice it up.
Mini Test #1: Thesis:crew backed out
Friday, 3rd of October 2014, my 2nd cam crew messaged me that he won’t be able to make it to the shoot the next day because he has “legit” work. So that means that because my “work” is a student work that makes is not a real work? It’s so hard to contain myself so I cried. I thought I was all set for tomorrow’s shoot then this came. I panicked because I know I’ve prepared for this and it would cost me money. Moments later, my 2nd cam crew texted me that he’ll make it for the shoot. I swear, I could’ve punched him if he’s in front of me that moment. Mini test #1, done.
Mini Test #2: Thesis: extra talent backed out
So after the crew problem was settled, another thing came up – the three talents that I got backed out at the last minute for some confidential reason. I was so tired to cry that I just ignored it.
Mini Test #3: Thesis: actor late
So the day of the shoot came, Almost all of my crew were at the location at 5am. But then, my lead actor is missing. I tried to call him, text him, Facebook’d him, called his friends, etc. to contact him but he won’t answer. My 2nd cam person was also late. I really wanted to punch them the moment they walk into the location. Almost 5 hours later, They came, and we started super late. At least we started.
Mini Test #4: Thesis: it’s raining, men.
Around 6pm, I still have outdoor scenes to shoot but it started raining, so I had to move the remaining sequences to the next day’s shoot. It’s a hassle because the work load for the next day would pile up. But I don’t care anymore, I don’t want to die of stress because of this.
Mini Test #5: Thesis: crew late
I don’t know what’s about being late. I mean, time is really gold. I don’t understand why people take it for granted. It’s just so unprofessional. Most of my crew were late again but my actor wasn’t. We started almost the same time we started the day before. And since we started late, I had to remove 2 scenes so that we can still shoot the important scenes. I trust in the mighty heavens that the continuity will not be broken.
Mini Test #6: Thesis: location problem
There was suddenly a real life villain on the location and he just wants us to pay. Hello mister! We’ve got permit, why are you bullying us? The other location also became uncontrollable so I had to make decisions right away.
I still finished early and was still able to celebrate with the crew. I have no class on Mondays so I was able to sleep and relax.
I can go on with all the problems I encountered for the those days but looking back to those days, I know I have learned something. I learned to become more patient, to deal with different kinds of people, exercised brain cells (lol), etc. That’s what tests supposed to do, right? To make us learn something and use that learning for future references. haha.
I know there will be more of life’s mini tests not only in school but in life general.
Ignored. That’s what I felt when you walked past me and didn’t even look at me like how you always would. Hurt, technically, I don’t have the right to be hurt because there’s nothing going. You were the perfect one, or at least I am still convincing myself that you were even though the clues were obvious that you weren’t. Stubborn. I was so into the illusion of you because it felt like heaven on earth. Your mask showed me all what I wanted to see and so I adored you so much that I lived in a make-believe world of you and me. Stupid. I became so addicted writing poetry about you, hoping that it’s the start of the love story more beautiful than a fairy tale. But I was slapped hard by the truth that it is not I who always control this thing called destiny.
You ignored me like I never existed. It’s this time that I finally figured out you, the real you. That thing that happened right now made me realize that your faultlessness was not real. You also made mistakes. Why wasn’t I able to see that you’re also human? I am annoyed that I was so hooked into your being. You approached me with your open soul and I immediately fell into that beautifully crafted trap. It looked like paradise so I watered the feelings and took care of the emotions that bloomed into mighty flowers always longing, always following the light and warmth of the sun. I made you my sun. And that was so wrong.
Now, you’re undressed in your costume. I understood clearly that you, my sun, wasn’t always bright. And maybe you weren’t my sun in the first place. Therefore, I decided to stop making you the center of my universe. I wanted to pursue you and I wanted you to pursue me, but I will stop because it’ll only make us more insane. Though I still like you a lot, I will stop in this daydreaming. We’ll still pass by each other every now and then. You will continue to ignore me
which I really will never understand why. I will still steal glances of you. But all these things luring me to still like you, I will fight… Because you, my beautiful illusion, has been uncovered..