Unembracing anxiety

For the past two years, I believe I have been romanticizing anxiety. Writing poetry in my journal, spitting every emotion straight from my panicking soul. It is not a beautiful thing.

Acknowledging anxiety is the right thing because, I realized I need help but becoming a slave to it is a different story. I realized that this anxiety does not own me, I own it and because I own it, I can let it go. (How people see anxiety are different from everyone else and I am speaking just for me.) I have fed this false emotions, which I didn’t realize those years, and it hindered me from everything. I am now thankful that I am getting better.

Being healed takes time, and in the process, I rediscovered faith. Faith in the unseen, in the powerful force that holds the universe, faith in the God I believe in.

I can now unembrace this anxiety that I have nurtured. I am now letting this go. This is me being free, being healed.

A Year About Moving On

2014 has been a tough year for me and my mother. But if there’s one thing that it taught me, it’s about moving on.

Well, not all moving on’s are about romantic relationships. You can move on from your past self to a better version of you. You can move on from an old house to a new one. You can move on from an old chapter in your life to a new beginning that’s yet to be told. Moving on cannot be limited to just overcoming problems. Maybe you had a successful event and you’re moving on to take greater risks and explore bigger worlds. Moving on is being able to take a step to a new side of the grass and looking back acknowledging that it has been a tough ride but you finished it and now onto your next ride.

At the start of the year, I was really happy because I’ve spent it with my parents -it’s a rare happening because papa’s always out of the country- we have plans about what we’re gonna do when I finally graduate. I didn’t know there was a big surprise until the night of April, when papa died. I never imagined how it would be like with that setting. It crushed me more than how a breakup crushes one’s heart. It’s like what you see in television soaps only there are no scripts and no cameras. I also have decided that I would not cry because I don’t want others to pity me when all I really wanted to feel are comforting hugs. I din’t cry and I thought that I was strong and that it would be easier to move on.

I was wrong.

I bottled up all emotions and I just wanted to burst because I was angry. Angry for keeping it all inside like a secret that needs to be forgotten. But with the help of Love himself, the Lord, I realized it was okay to cry for a lost loved one. And it’s normal to lose someone you loved dearly. This is how life works, people come and go. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. And at all times, blessed be the name of the Lord.

Slowly, I start to move on. I start to really let go. I still don’t understand why my father died so sudden. The regrets piled up on me but the people around me helped me move on. I don’t think that “I’ve finally moved on” is not the right term. I am always moving on, it’s just that sometimes it’s on a slower pace and other times, faster. I am moving on. I will not stop moving forward. It’s actually okay to look back and remember the things of the past but as you look back, smile, knowing that it’s all in the past and there’s a greater path ahead as long as you keep moving on and follow God’s path.

Never Alone

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There are times when I just feel so alone. (cue music: All Alone -Fun.)
Though I tend to shy away in front of other people because I’m introvert,
I’m most comfortable when I’m with my friends. They make a monster crazy person out of me. But there are just these other friends people who just make you feel alone.
Good thing is that I know I’m never alone with my family and true friends around me and of course, my Lord Jesus who’ll never leave me nor make me feel alone.